Sisters

My sister called me yesterday. She left a voice mail.

"I just saw the preview for that new movie from M. Night ShamaChakaKahn and it looks like one of your stories. I know I have heard you tell me something that looks similar. Made me want to call. Yes, I do posses the power of the glow, but right now I really wish someone could just hold my hand. I love you Boo!"

I had sent her a text message a few days earlier with the sentence referencing the power of the 'Glow'. A throwback to an 80's movie that we had both obsessed over for years, we had incorporated many of it's little catches (as well as many others!) into a secret code that only sisters seem to share.
For Christmas one year, when I was particularly devoid of cash, I gave her a copy of a song entitled Sister, by The Nixons. Downloaded it from the internet and burned it onto a CD. It's lyrics poignantly sweet and somewhat heart wrenching, but depicting my relationship with her perfectly. That morning as she listened to it for the first time, she congratulated me on the ability to make her cry. Not something she is prone too. The song basically stated that even though we were far apart, we were still part of the same world, and even though we weren't always together, we would always be so in spirit.
We exchange quirky little text messages and voice mails when unable to answer the phone or see each other in person.
I was at work when she called, the reason for the voice mail.

I texted her back in response:

"I am holding your hand."

A saving grace.

I crave silence. I wonder if I should invest in an isolation chamber? Floating in darkness and silence would either drive me insane or cure me of what is ailing me.
Instead, I sit, listening to an old Elton John tune on the radio and hearing the odd squeak of my bra as I take deep breaths. (We can call it scaffolding, yeah cause it has wires in it, they flex and turn and make funny noises sometimes!) Not quite the fortress of Solitude, but I guess I will take it.

My friends were in town for the weekend and I got to spend time with their lovely little girls. It was very nice, even though most people will tell you, I am not really into kids. Mostly, I discovered, I am not into parents who don't interact with their kids and make them wonderful little short people to be around.

Kaylee and Halsey are wonderful little short people to be around!

Kaylee, being the older of the two, is more vocal than her sister, but the way they interact with each other is too funny! As I sat on the sofa and manipulated a puppet in the guise of a Care Bear for their entertainment, she climbed up into my lap and wrapped her arms around me. "You are very big." She said with a beguiling smile "and I am very little." I gave her a hug back and said "Yes that is true" After a moment, she climbed down next to me on the couch and stretched her legs out like I had, crossing her ankles over and said "Now, I am big too!"

Yeah, I am a big softy cause I think at that moment my heart just melted.

Deeper than before

There was a brief moment when I held your attention, but it wasn't enough to keep you.
My shine was easily tarnished and the distraction I lent was gone in an instant.

You filled my head and parts of my heart with sweet thoughts and feelings, even though deep down, I knew it was nothing. I was a potential notch on your belt and I openly embraced the foolishness of the idea.

I really have no one to blame but myself, but, I think I wanted to see if I could keep you for longer than a moment. I was pretending that your interest was more than the passing fancy that it really was, and I needed to validate my being a woman. A siren and irresistible. Instead of invisible and unnoticed.

The sting is why I risked it. Why did I even allow the thought a place in my head?

I am left feeling a bit sheepish and disappointed in my self worth. I had always determined that I would never be that blinded by an emotion, that I would never allow my silly girl fantasies to over rule my level headed thinking. But my heart hadn't heard those familiar tones for so long that I willingly allowed you to play your game. Instead of addressing it with the actual source of my doubt.

In all truth, I guess I used you too.

So our relationship was mutually hurtful in it's nature.

I wonder, did we both get what we wanted? Or does it even matter anymore?

Does this chick ever shut up?

Boy am I tired of complaining!

Moreover, I am tired of the fact that that is all I seem to do anymore.

Really, I am not this much of an annoyance, honest!

Apparently I am fooling myself on that aspect of late. I either need to give up on my relationships or have breakfast.

I never said I wasn't an extremist....tee hee

Insomnia affects us all!

You always work with a 'mom' don't you? No matter how old I get, I am still referred to as "Young Pup." It's kind of sweet actually.

This morning, as I sat at my desk and worked on something that felt pertinent at the time, my work mom came in and leaned against my cubicle wall to talk to me. She asked me if I was sad because I hadn't been my usual exuberant (READ OBNOXIOUS?) self around work. I advised her it was due to my lack of sleep and that my old personage was still inside, trapped under something heavy. She tsked in concern, and offered her advice, played with my hair exclaiming at the length and softness, gave me a quick hug and went about her way.

I felt all warm and fuzzy.

That is until the AC vent kicked on over my desk and froze me to my chair! Good god!

Blown over...

I danced in a storm the other night.

Probably not the smartest thing in the world...out on the driving range of a golf course. Lightning flashed and thunder roared instantaneously, the reverberations shaking my car as I got out to soak in the rain.

And boy did it rain!

So hard it almost stung as it beat against my face and hands. I wanted to sing and scream back into the darkened sky. All my frustrations and pent up emotions culminated in Mother Nature's exuberance at playing across the clouds with a magnificent display!

She raged for an hour and I watched her at first from the hood of my car, then back inside to dry off. Patting myself down with napkins recovered from the glove box, then blasting the heater. I observed the scarred, cloudy sky until she calmed herself, her anger and passion spent and I heard myself sigh. I hadn't even realized I had been holding my breath. I felt small and my problems insignificant, placed in their proper order of importance.

I was remiss to note however, that my digital camera, sitting next to me on the passenger seat, had nothing but dead batteries! But, I have an idea of how to capture it, minor adjust to the shutter speed and a tripod.

I love storms!

Who'da thunk it??

A friend of mine got a new car and excitedly wanted to show it off. He described it in full detail and practically dragged me to the parking lot to look at it. It was lovely I admit! Sardonically, (and because I am a total smart ass) I raised a brow and critically stated:

"It's Teal!"

"Well, they didn't have the color I really wanted, but it had everything else I was looking for!! And it's not really TEAL. It's blue"

"It's Teal!" I repeated.

"No it's not! If it was, so?"

"So...hand over your man card, cause you just declared your gayness to the world!" He looked first shocked, then slightly perturbed.

"I'll show you whose gay!" He warned. I laughed. I felt a little bad at his expression so I gave him a hug.

"Don't worry. You can still pretend to be the big man with me! I won't tell." He began to relax a little. "But this car is gonna shout it!"

I deserved the smack in the arm for it. I admit!

heh heh heh