Confessions

I have a problem.

I have been anticipating my move to another state for so long, the newness of it has worn off. It has been replaced with a complacency that I can't shake. I know I am still moving, but the time it has taken for it to happen is driving me NUTS!!

Things happened that delayed the relocation, I understand that this is beyond the control of anyone involved, but it is still a situation that frustrates me.

More over, I want to be with a certain someone so I can alleviate this needling doubt in the back of my skull. I suffer from my own self worth, and I start to question the validity of his feelings towards me as more time passes that we don't see each other. This is the longest run yet.

We speak everyday, he confuses me with his words and the way his mind unfolds in front of me. My ground seems shaky and I find myself turning my eyes to other prospects. Much to my chagrin.
This is a confession that troubles me, because deep down I know that who I want to be with is a harder trek than who is being offered. I am so easily distracted at this point that I scare myself.
Why do I do this? Why do I find fault in things when they become too hard? I fear I am losing my hold on reason.

I know inside, I can't give up on this particular dream, because to me he is like breath. I can't make it completely without his influences on me, and his unending support of my goals. He wants them to come true as much as I do.
But my heart is fickle and I am feeling the pull of loneliness.

I am afraid of my own reactions. I find I am speaking to myself more of late, the words I put forth are to encourage to stay my course, avoid my temptations and remember all the time I spent realizing that I do in fact have deep feelings for this person. And he seems to have them for me in return.

Distance is a horrifying thing!

Did you ever?

My mind blanks at the thought of creating something clever and unique.

Monday.... hmm...nope, got nothing.

Searching for peace and contentment can be very exhausting!



tick tick tick tick

like winning the lottery, only not really winning

A few months back, I entered a screenplay writing competition. It was for an independent production company for a short horror film. Quick and easy, I shot off an abridged version of a story I had been working on. Like most of my projects, I dream about these things then write them out. My head is under constant barrage of sometimes nightmarish qualities that don't disturb me, but rather excite me into sharing them. I didn't win, but I did get an encouraging email today from one of the producers. Here is a brief snippet:
"Tara,
Thank you for your submission to our contest. Your piece was definitely one under serious consideration, but we had to choose only one artists' work. Your project showed considerable imagination and originality, and on a personal note, may I state, it was exceptionally twisted! "
"You have a tremendous amount of potential and I do hope to see more from you in the future." ....

Blah blah - you get the gist. I was happy to see that this morning! It's nice for the recognition, even if I didn't win. It's also comforting to know that my twisted little imagination is not always a curse.

I look so normal don't I?

The positive feedback from a perfect stranger, who is working in the profession I would like to be a part of, was worth more to me than an actual win at this point.
My minor successes to this forte in the past have been building my confidence in the pursuance of something I love.

Next time, it's all me baby!

That's it - I give up!

begin venting:

I will never, EVER understand the opposite sex. Nor will I ever understand my constant need to torture myself by becoming involved with them.

end venting:

It's short and sweet, but needed to be said.

Bad week and it's only Tuesday! Send me happy thoughts.