First impressions

She said "My Ex happens to be involved with some sort of cultural arts program down in Portland." I feigned interest as it was obvious she was trying, it was a group of virtual strangers after all, and kept smiling as she went on. "He gets to meet all the foreign indignantaries first."

I responded. "Ah - I wonder what makes them indignant?" She continued, not really seeing the hole she was digging.
"That means they are very important!"

I crossed my arms and gave my best "harrumph!"

Her expression didn't change, save for the slight look of confusion that crept over her features.

Someone once told me (or perhaps I just overheard this), "If you believe it then it isn't a lie!" Like I achieve happiness, fitness,...or maybe intelligence?

At that moment, I walked away.

There are times when I question the validity of my feeling superior, you see, I don't always lie to myself about intelligence.

This, however, was not one of them.

Self realization, I was thinking of the immortal words of Socrates when he said "I drank what?"

McDonald's puts way to much salt on their French fries!

I bummed one off a neighbor, and nearly choked as I tried swallowing. Cripes! My throat burned with anger and resentment for me having put it through such a torture, causing me to cough incessantly for what felt like an eternity. When at last I could breathe normally, and about 5 gallons of water later, my voice stopped cracking and I could continue working.

It was truly traumatic, I swear. An experience I hope never to repeat.

I liken it to filing my taxes (which is something I did last Saturday, and I will liken that to a root canal!) Liken, not lichen which is a plant like substance, not as in compared too.

Stop me before I go any further and you liken this blog to hell.

Blessed be

Would you need to call Freud for this one?

I work for a medical organization. My day is filled with some very interesting interaction with patients, but sometimes my co-workers are just as, if not more, entertaining.

I just canceled an appointment for a patient who was scheduled to come in for treatment of 'bells policy'

Not quite familiar with that one!

Never seems to get easier!

The coming of this new year has inspired many strange happenings in my otherwise fairly inconsequential life! My pending move South not withstanding,( it has been a plan for quite some time and now is showing it's signs of fruition), but more my realization that there is a worthwhile someone who feels strongly towards me and that sensation shouldn't cause panic! He has patiently waited for me to realize this. Took me a long time to get to that point, no doubt about that! Just ask all of my friends, they will confirm my insanity. I have reason for it, probably not legitimate, but reason none the less.

Enter my possible monkey wrench.

I had a conversation with an old friend the other week. One that inspired pangs of reminiscence and heartfelt emotion. We talked about the directions of our individual lives since our paths crossed last many years earlier. The people we had met and involved ourselves with, the influences our decisions had made in our course and how different things have become.

We also spoke of how much between us had remained the same, even without speaking to or seeing each other for so long. How easy it is to pick up in the same spot that you left off as though nothing had ever happened. As simple as it sounded, it caused more complications than I am comfortable expressing.

I have loved this man since I met him at seventeen.

Every boyfriend I have had since has been subconsciously compared to him. My sensation of "what if" stemmed from never really finishing this part of my life. When the relationship ended, we were both in a questionable state of mind and heart. Neither one of us was ready for stronger commitment, he was pursuant of his music career, I wanted to be a writer more than anything. We weren't willing to compromise on a situation that might better things between us. We called it quits and tried to remain as just friends.
Amazingly, it worked for a little while, after the initial shock of it all. Getting used to seeing him with other women was a sting. He surprised me when he said the idea of me with another man drove him crazy. Our strong, mule headed behavior toward the other was enough to keep us from being together again and admitting our defeat at the pull of our hearts. Stupid, I know, but I was very young, and he hadn't reached a firm point in his life either. This went on for some time.
He dropped out of my life very suddenly and we hadn't seen or spoken to each other for about 6 years. His reappearance was just as sudden. It was a spur of the moment reaching out on my part. I am getting ready to start a new chapter in my life and in order for me to not sabotage it, I need the closure I never got. The problem is I wasn't prepared for the emotional onslaught that has been beating me ever since. He reached back toward me more quickly than I had imagined he would. Now I have this dilemma. Posing my very real and very supportive future with someone who is willing to invest themselves in a relationship, one that has all the workings of beauty and laughter and excitement, against someone with whom I have had this in the past, has taken a toll on my fragile heart.
The funny thing is, he is exactly the same as I remember him, which makes me remember also the reasons we weren't together any longer. Not that what he is is wrong, just not what I need.
I have to see him in person, and squelch this nagging sensation in my stomach and give my future the fair shot it deserves.

At least I think I need too, but honestly I know me. If I don't do this now, I will never allow myself to move past him.
Emotions are funny little things, and was I ever fooling myself when I thought that this gets easier as time goes on.
Um, whatever!

Overheard at the 'Water Cooler'.......

Co-worker number one: "You know, I really like it when the Supervisor isn't here, makes my life so much easier"

Co-worker number two: "Yeah, I got you there!"

Co-worker number one: "She is kind of like the CLAP, you don't really want her around."

Co-worker number three: "And you don't really miss her when she is gone either huh?!"

>insert laughter here<


Beautiful sentiment! Makes me appreciate the little sarcastic things in life.

Wonders never cease!

I have succumbed to the pull of the virtual blog, cementing my feet firmly into the world of computer journal keeping. No longer keeping my thoughts to myself, I will broadcast to the general public (or the two or three people who may actually read this!)

Who knows what is in store, as I type this my mind draws a blank. Not only does that tend to make for exciting reading, but exciting thinking as well! Your patience is appreciated.

2006 now - time goes by more quickly than I would like to admit. Here is hoping it continues to improve me with it's purposeful intent.


Keep your fingers crossed