A brief moment

There are days when I forget that I am a real person with feelings and emotions.  The robot I become to go through daily routines drops its facade and I face myself.  It can be frightening.  The image in the mirror is different now, a bit of silver around the edges of a youth that wants to try and run and remember freedom.  A sense of self that is no longer common practice amongst so many.  Much has changed in my life, most for the better, luckily enough.  There are things I do wish I could change aspects of.  Not change completely.  If I did, the person I have become would not be the same one I see. 
I have always been a firm believer in the saying that everything happens for a  reason.  All though it is not always clear at first, there is always a prompt behind the circumstance.  We just need to dig a little deeper to discover it.  Live through the barrage of garbage that sometimes comes along with it, and find the treasure that can be buried beneath it. 

Truth be told, deep down, I can find happiness.  It just needs a little polishing sometimes.

Perhaps the time has come to remember who I was once.  To speak from inside again and recall the way my mind used to work.  The haze is beginning to clear and I can honestly say the rebirthing process has been hard!

Boy howdy!

Was I ever fooling myself when I thought I could keep up on this blog thing!


You may or may not have noticed, I tend to get distracted from time to time.


I promise to try!

Remembrance

I have been debating with myself for the last few days as to whether or not to put into words the recent happenings in my life. First I was angry with myself, then regretful that I wasn't about to emote anything. Classic neurotic behavior, I admit.

My Grandmother went into the hospital the day after Christmas, and last week Tuesday, she passed away. All though we, as a family, were expecting it to be so, it is still met with shock and sadness.

She was always such a feisty little thing, when she went into the hospital she had vehemently stated for a Do Not Resuscitate order to be in place. Not surprising, she would never have wanted to be reliant on a machine to keep her alive. I recalled a conversation I'd had with her recently where I mentioned my friend had gone to her grandmother's 100th birthday celebration. Gram's eyes got wide and she exclaimed "Oh God, I would never want to live that long!"

She was a character to be remembered with fondness. Never a typical grandmother figure either. When I was growing up, well after her divorce, she'd had a boyfriend who rode her around on the back of his motorcycle. It was teasing state for other members of the family, but she acquired a leather jacket and did her thing.

About 7 years ago she suffered a stroke and it left her without the use of her right arm. She'd learned to write with her left hand, and her sense of humor didn't change. We joked about the improving handwriting and how sweet it was to see Birthday and Christmas cards signed by a kindergartner. She would emit her little giggle and it would be accompanied by a hug.

A dinner table conversation on an Easter Sunday one year included her piping up with this joke. "Know why men are so much smarter during sex? Cause they are plugged into a genius!" My friend Amy, who was visiting from California and was seated next to her at the table, put her fork down and turned to say "You just made my whole trip with that Grandma Barb!"

That's what she did: her little quips, the joy she experienced with her great grandchildren as well; Small, seemingly so demure, she was a wonderful, funny, quirky woman.
Always saying what was on her mind; "Tara, why doesn't your boyfriend ever come for Christmas? "Honey, he's Jewish, he's never coming for Christmas..." "You are dating a Jewish man?" "Did you think he was just antisocial?" "Well, yes..."

These are the things that I want to stand out for me.

They do for the most part.

Yesterday, I was going through a pile of mail on the coffee table, and I found the Christmas card she had given to me this year. The adorable, childish, squiggle of "Love Gram" at the bottom of a sweetly sentimental statement about the specialness of being her grand daughter. I had to fight some tears, but the memories would be worth it.

I dedicate this to her - a poem I wrote many years before, but befitting for the situation:

The Promised Land
One's thoughts could drift and take seed in soil, she reels in her ways and within they boil, reaching for her throat.
Cold clasping fingers, the mist of her once past.
Hard thrashing motions, the struggle of heart's glass.
"How things change," a sigh escapes as last breath, "How now, when I look back at life upon my death."
Her head spins of remorse and soul pulls it's strings; she ridicules herself for unknown sorrow, and cries at the smaller things.
The hand that held hers is long gone, with only a memory to carry it on.
For now, for all the feelings had, she's nothing but the memories to make her glad.
There is no fear or dread, walking where the angels tread, living now an afterlife, free of sorrow and of strife
She laughs, her heart content. The warmth of it closing in.
Raising a hand to ward of hate, she is striving now for Heaven's gate.
Though there may be tears for her tomorrow, and hearts that truly grieve, her care resides her in admittance, her acceptance and reprieve.
She's served her time with fellow man, she's reaching out to grasp his hand.
Pull her closer, hold her near, encase her in your arms dear friend
and take her to the Promised land.

You will be missed Gram, but be assured you will always be adored.

Sounds of the season

Begin Rant:
Nothing against Christmas music, but if I hear one more DIVA belt out a traditional tune filled with such trilling and scaling on every 'power note' I am going to boycott it for eternity!

You can sing a song, or you can sing the Hell out of it....Whitney... Mariah... Celine....Christina..... shut the eff up! Less is more, trust me. You don't need to demonstrate the power of your pipes on every note that lasts longer than a beat. Hey Suess Christy, I never knew that you could stretch an original one or two syllable word into five! You truly have a unique way of expressing yourselves.

We don't doubt that you have quite a gift, just stop sharing it so much!

Thank you!

End Rant

Sell, sell, SELL!

I was sitting at work today and a commercial came on the radio for a local jeweler. Made me give a quick little giggle because the announcer, slinging wares for the Christmas holiday, asks pointedly "Want to make her eyes sparkle this year?"

The first thought that leapt into my rewired brain was:

"Shine a flashlight in her ears..."

Work days full of serious notes (and flatulence)

Serious Note:

I am wearing my red ribbon for World Aids Day - ironically, it is the only splash of color on my otherwise black ensemble.

Not so Serious Notes:

I was smelling this wonderful orange-esq scent all day today. As I was going to lunch I looked at my supervisor and asked if she was wearing some sort of citrus lotion. She shook her head then cast a quick glance over her shoulder at the office behind her. Directing her query to the person seated in there, she asked, "Are you spraying your stuff again?" The guilty party nodded her head and sheepishly exclaimed she had been suffering from a gastric upset and didn't want to offend anyone in the nearby area. Of course, this was met by the usual giggling like school girls, because I don't care how old you get, gas is still kind of funny!

Yesterday, I was stalked by a suitor. I got multiple proposals of marriage from him, followed up by statements about changing him to be the beneficiary of my life insurance policies. This was after a conversation that revolved around our perpetual debt and the pen-chance for being broke all the time. I whimpered that I didn't think I would see New Years if we got married. His response: "Did you have plans after that?"
I told him I might be willing to sell a kidney for him, if he would provide the ice bath and the anesthesia.

Would you change your last name if it was Lickfold? Just wondering.

I had an email exchange with my room mate with the aide of babble fish. I asked about eating tofu and dancing like monkeys. Because it's even more funny in German!

There is a very distinct possibility that I have taken all leave of my senses. I may have to confirm and let you know later.